Divorced

I can't believe I am "here". I am getting divorced. I am still in shock right now. I knew it was possibly coming, but for it to actually really be happening it is making me feel sick. :(

Brian and I have never had a good marriage. It started rough, when I found out about some lies a month into our marriage. The past 3 years he has been unable to regain my trust. Instead he has continued to act in ways to make me trust him less, and not treat me with the respect I deserve.

Last night I found another "incident" on his phone, and it was finally the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm done. We have gone to counseling TWICE now. I have tried and tried to make things work, but this marriage has to be 2 sided. I am no longer going to spend my time with someone who is unable to be completely honest and trustworthy. It's over. It is sooo over!

There have been other times where I have kicked him out of the house, or threatened the big "d", but he always got me to take him back. Not this time. I'm done. I want to be happy for the sake of my children. I am no longer going to pretend that I am in a happy marriage with a great man.

Brian and I have had some good conversations though, and we seem to be on the same page here. We both want to put the kids first, and try to make things as smooth as possible for them. We plan to hire just one lawyer and handle this out of court. We are agreeing on most issues, and I think we can come to an agreement on everything here eventually. I asked Brian to leave today, and he is now staying with his parents. I am in the process of looking for more work, so that I can have more income. I have a phone interview for a possible great job this coming Wednesday, and hope that works out. Once I am making more money myself, I will take over all the bills here, and Brian will get his own place. Hopefully that will be soon! I have told some friends and my brother, and everyone has been very supportive. I am lucky to have many great people in my life.

I am very very heartbroken though. Honestly I am not super upset about losing Brian, as we have not been happy for a long time. I am mostly so upset about losing out on so much time with my kids. I am going to have to work full time now AND give up some evenings and every other weekend with them. Also, I hate the idea of missing out on all the fun things we planned to do as a family like vacations, camping, baseball games, etc... None of that will be the same now. THAT is crushing me.....to the point where I feel like I could have a nervous breakdown when I think about it. I hate the thought of missing so much time with them. They are still so young! This is also the reason I hung on to this marriage longer than I probably should have.

However, I know deep down that I am doing the right thing for THEM. In order for me to be the best mom I can be, I need to be happy. I also don't want to raise them in an unhappy home with parents who don't Really love and respect each other. They deserve more!

I'm just really sad!