I had a mini-breakdown over the weekend. I looked around at my house that was a mess, and the Christmas decorations that were still up, and I felt so stressed out and frustrated that I can't seem to keep up with life. I had just spent hours the weekend before cleaning, and then this past weekend it was already a disaster zone again.
I was talking to Brian, and all of a sudden I just started crying. It hit me that I just don't feel like I am not doing as well in any area of my life as I would like, nor do I feel like I spend enough time in any area of my life.
I don't spend enough time on the following:
1. Playing with Zayden
2. Playing with Ivy
3. Cooking
4. Cleaning
5. My Career
6. My marriage or husband
7. Me time to relax
8. My friends
9. Exercising and getting healthier
10. etc.....
I just don't feel like I have enough time to do it all, and therefore I spend a little time on each thing, but not enough of any of that! It made me feel like a failure, and I was sooo upset! I just don't know how to do it? Is it possible when you have 2 young children, a house to maintain, a marriage, many friends, a career, and baby weight that won't budge to handle all of it? Will I ever feel satisfied, and feel like I am spending enough time in these areas?
I want to do better and be better!!
Yesterday I tried REALLY hard to DO more and this is what I did:
Woke up 2-3 times during the night to nurse Ivy. We woke up and I fed Z breakfast. While he ate I did dishes as Ivy watched in her seat. After that, we went to an indoor park and played for much of the morning. We came home, and I fed Z lunch and started cleaning the kitchen more.
I managed to get both kids down for a nap. I ate, finished cleaning the kitchen (enough to wear Brian noticed at least), paid bills, and copied all our recent videos onto VCR tapes (I know this is very outdated, but I like our videos on these! ;)), and ordered more babyfood making containers from Amazon. When Z woke up I helped him with a craft in the kitchen, while I started making pears (babyfood) for Ivy. Z than played with playdough as I finished. Ivy woke up and we all went into the living room and I took turns playing with the 2 of them and played with them a little together. I then gave them both baths separately and fed Z dinner. Brian came home. I also read Z about 15 books during the day, and nursed Ivy about 10 times it seemed. I read Z his bedtime stories, and put him to bed. I then straightened up the living room, and got my bottles and pumping supplies all ready for work the next day. I got the kids diaper bag ready...laid out clothes etc.. I then ate dinner and crashed. I seriously can't imagine doing More than that, but yet I still didn't exercise, spend much time with Brian, cook dinner, have really any me time, talk with any friends (not even via e-mail), and didn't even feel like I cleaned as much as I should have. How do people manage to do it all? I just feel like I don't do enough? It's a constant struggle.
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9 comments:
Oh Dawn, I can relate. There just never seems to be enough hours in the day.
One thing I did notice though is that you do spend a LOT of time playing with your kids. This is great, please don't get me wrong, but if you do that, you will not be able to get much else done.
I look after 3 kids and while I DO play with them, I also leave them to have independant play for large portions of the day. There is nothing wrong with encouraging your children to play with each other (although Ivy is a bit young yet) or to play alone. I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself to play with them all day.
Other than that, is there any way you could hire someone to clean your house for you a few times a month? I have someone come in twice per month and they do all the floors and all three bathrooms. It is VERY helpful and well worth the money, to me.
I work out (when I do) after the kids are in bed. It's late and I'm beat, but even if I just do some yoga or 20 minutes on my elliptical machine, I feel like it's better than nothing.
As far as YOU time goes, why not make a deal with Brian where each of you gets ME time twice a month. Dixon and I do this and it's wonderful! Twice per month (sometimes I can even manage more), I will leave the house around 5pm and go do whatever I want (dinner with friends, shopping, movies, etc) while Dixon feeds, bathes and then puts the girls down to bed for the night. I really think this kind of thing is so important.
As for couple time, we're still trying to figure that out. Dixon and I have started doing yoga together as soon as the kids are in bed 3 times per week. It is a great way to spend time together AND we are exercising! As far as going out together goes though, I have a lot of trouble trusting people to care for my kids, and so the only one I ever ask is my mother, even though we DO have Dixon's mother, my father and step-mother, and my sister we could ask. I just need to get over this issue I have with that.
Anyway, just though I would comment. If you figure it all out, let me know!!! :)
I'm amazed at what you did in a day. While it is possible to 'have it all', I don't believe in having it all at one time. You are only one person with 24 hours each day -- you'll have to choose how you want each day to balance out. Also, you won't always be a nursing mama, making baby food, etc. etc... One day, you'll be able to enjoy a day on a full night's sleep!
Your feelings are totally normal and valid. I know this sounds crazy but works best for me is schedule all the way down to play time and s-e-x. A friend suggested this to me and I thought that was just awful but I know have freedom thanks to my schedule.
And treat life like eating an elephant--one small bite at a time.
I have moments like that too. Life is overwhelming. Don't be so hard on yourself, do what you can, and tomorrow is a brand new day. ((hugs))
I only have one child and I have felt the same way. Usually the house cleaning goes to hell. :-) We can't do everything all in one day. I sort of rotate the focus throughout the day, and no day has the same focus. kwim? And sometimes, I don't do as good a job at work that I know I'm capable of, but I do as good a job as is required. My therapist once called that appropriate prioritizing. I call it reality.
Dawn...no one does it all, its impossible. You have to do what you can to keep your head above water when you have little children. There is no way to keep every ball in the air. I have days like that all of the time where I feel like I am doing a half-assed job on all of my jobs. Its tough to remember this is a phase in your life and it will get a little easier the older they get. Hang in there!!
I totally know what you are going through...I have been feeling the same way! Maybe it is something about this time of year, or just having two kids... Whatever it is, it is tricky! I think you are a wonderful mama :) Keep in mind all of the wonderful things you DO accomplish every day!
I could have written this post today. I feel inches away from a nervous breakdown. We have got to get out together and commiserate. If I don't explode first.
This is how I found your blog--- no idea. It was nice to meet you and what you say is so true. Be easy on yourself. I try to remind myself that it's not a race and all of those moments with your babies on the floor do add up to happy healthy people and that is ultimately what is important- it's just hard to remember.
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